Archive for January 13th, 2010

Jan 13 2010

25 Things I Learned from Television

Posted by: Carrie in Television
  1. There is semen at every single crime scene and it shall be the crucial DNA fingerprint that will solve the case.
  2. You will magically lose 10 lbs. from May to September if you are female, but gain 10 lbs. if you are male.
  3. Relationships have a two year maximum before they get boring.  A wedding will be announced but will be the relationship’s kiss of death.
  4. You are not pregnant.  You will think you are at an inopportune time in your life but will reluctantly grow attached to the idea of parenthood only to find out it was a false positive when you consult your doctor.
  5. You will learn your lesson only to repeat the mistake next week.
  6. Murder mysteries can be solved in three days and all murderers will be caught.  Usually they’ll confess if you can make them cry.
  7. You will find yourself hanging on the proverbial cliff in the mid to late May.  Watch out.
  8. No matter what you do for a living, you can afford a spacious and trendy apartment in New York City.
  9. You don’t have to go to class, just show up and hang out on couches and/or in the lunchroom all day.
  10. A musical montage is a great opportunity to rapidly get something done, solve a problem or learn a new skill.
  11. Only 1-2 extended family members will show up at any important life event such as graduation or open heart surgery, that is if any show up at all.
  12. If you die, you might not actually be dead.
  13. The bumbling geek can win over the attractive popular girl.
  14. You more than likely have a destiny that only you can fulfill. No worries though, there’s generally an old dude to help you out.
  15. Your destiny is a top secret from everyone except your closest friends and the only person you don’t want to know but inevitably will find out.
  16. YOu can talk to hallucinations and/or otherwise invisible people out in the open without passersby noticing.
  17. If you have an item that must be kept a secret, it is important that you take it out of it’s uber-secret hiding place to look at it on a regular basis.
  18. You often think aloud even if it is unnecessary to do so.  These thoughts are usually short pointed witticisms that only you can hear, even if others are around you.
  19. Chess club and science clubs are high school suicide.
  20. All geeks are hotties behind thick rimmed glasses.
  21. Same sex encounters only happen sometime around November and are never mentioned again.
  22. As soon as you’re happy, some outside force is going to take it away.
  23. Mean people are really just tortured souls who actually have a sensitive side and a transparent reason for being mean.
  24. Amnesia is a likely outcome to any number of events but don’t worry, it’s usually temporary.
  25. If everyone is telling you the creepily dreamy guy is a stalker, listen to them, he’s a stalker.
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